Alcohol addiction recovery has been a roller coaster ride over the past 8 months. Yes, 8 months without a single drop of alcohol. I can’t say my recovery has been easy, more often I have “off” days than “on” but as a sobriety devotee, alcoholics anonymous and all, I understand that it’s all part of the process. I am constantly googling what to expect in sobriety and if what I am experiencing is normal, reinforcing the fact that I am finally on the right path in my life, at 30 years of age.
“I miss partying, the drugs, the drinking. I miss it all.” I said. So much so, I’ve been tempted to get a script for adderall just to be able to focus on everything else except this grief, the death of my old self. But that only defeats the purpose of this new journey.
Every time someone new entered my life, I questioned his intentions. Not every man I came across was bad but in my eyes there was a dark horse in everyone. Anytime they touched or kissed me, I never felt it. In private and intimate moments, I wondered if they felt the wall between us or what it felt like to sleep with someone that was dead on the inside. No one ever had me again the same way as my first love.
“What’s wrong? You don’t like to be choked?” I laid there in a mild state of panic, fear embezzling the moment as I’m taken back to the girl I was several years ago.